


Desperation

by FinifugalRedamancy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Depression, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2018-01-13 23:59:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1245148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FinifugalRedamancy/pseuds/FinifugalRedamancy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John...John Egbert. He's all that Dave can think about, but Dave's mind is a dark, deep place of pain and oblivion. John comes to visit Dave one day, only to find his best friend in a state he had never known.</p><p>**Trigger Warning!***</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desperation

Dave sat in the dim bathroom, back pressed against the door and knees tucked up to his chest. Awful days weren't a rarity to the young Strider and today was no exception, he felt so down he couldn't seem to feel anything past the emotional numbness. He raised his head to stare at the gray, painted walls. They matched the color of the sky outside, pulsating with upset rainclouds. It made Dave sick to his stomach.

'It's not normal to feel this way...I shouldn't have these thoughts of him...'

 

John. John Egbert. He was awkward, dorky, uncool and quite possibly the love of Dave's life. But he couldn't seem to bring up enough courage to tell the boy with the glasses the wanderings of his heart. He knew spilling the secret would end their friendship in an instant. John was as straight as a board, and hell, it killed the boy with the shades almost as much as his generalized anxiety did. It left Dave feeling empty, weak, and emotionally unstable. It wasn't John's fault however, God no. What was to blame? School, others, and himself. It pushed him to the edge every day, sometimes it was the grim icing on that melancholic cake. He would fall, and he would hit the ground hard. It hadn't been that bad in a while however, everyday he still walked into school feeling like the world was closing him up into it's core and his heart would pound in time with his quick footsteps.

He often found himself walking to no where. He would glance up from his concentration on the shimmering sidewalk to realize he was lost. Stupidly, hopelessly lost. He would mindlessly grope around his backpack and dial Rose's number. "Lost?" she would say immediately, already knowing the predicament Dave had gotten himself into. It was a desperate routine, never ending. To avoid alarming his best friend, he demanded that Rose kept it a secret from John. She never said anything but give a small nod, staring straight ahead at the road with her lips pulled into a thin, pale line.

Dave glanced up to the counter and spotted a set of hair trimming scissors. Their dull gleam was oh so tempting, drawing Dave into it's cold, solidified touch. He hadn't felt like this in weeks, months. It was a record, the first time he had felt this good for such a long time. It all came crashing down again that day with distinct, bolded letters on a yellow sticky note on the outside of his locker. Six letters intended to knock him down. 

F a g g o t.

It was pathetic, that such a simple, silly little word could demolish the heavy walls he had built up around himself. He didn't even know how his attackers would ever know about his forbidden feelings for John. He had been with a few years before, and everyone knew that, and he was pretty good at hiding his forbidden feelings for his best friend... or so he thought s

'I shouldn't do this...I can't...I wouldn't... i've been clean for 3 months why..." 

Dave silenced his conscience an grabbed the scissors. His fingers shook and stumbled to grasp the cool metal. His blood ran cold and the beating in this chest seemed to pound like an army. HE brought the blades against his pale skin. He didn't move, just felt the sensation of metal on skin. It dug into him slightly, and he breathed out slightly, gritting his teeth together rightly as he ran it against his delicate,white skin, dying it vibrant, red with the beads of blood that emerged. He was prepared to feel something, anything. Pain, Sadness, Agony, Guilt. Dave struggled to feel anything at all..

'Just one more...'

He did it again....and again...

 

John's POV:

"Dave?" John called, knocking on the door and knitting your eyebrows together. He knew the blonde bro was home and tapped his converse on the ground impatiently. What the hell was going on? He had texted Dave only about 30 minutes before, informing him that he was 'On his way with Nic Cage", implying that he had movies with him.

Finally, being the impatient little dork he was, John awkwardly twisted the knob to find it open and he walked inside. Daaaave?" He called, glancing around and closing the door behind him. He wandered down the hall and peeked into his room.

No one. 

Finding it a bit strange, he wandered around the Strider's apartment aimlessly, passing by piles of smuppets and dirty clothes. Plates were stacked in the kitchen by the sink, which was emitting a small little 'plink!' of water ever few seconds. John mindlessly messed with the faucet, trying to make it stop but gave up, continuing on. He made sure to steer clear of Bro's room. He knew he wasn't home, and Dave wouldn't go in by himeself there anyway. He walked until he got to the end of the hall.

The bathroom.

He slightly turned the door handle, finding it open and gave it a nudge. He felt the weight of something against it and shoved a little bit more, catching the flash of red converse and platinum blonde hair. A brief flood of relief washed over John.

"Da..." He began, trailing off at the sight of blood on the tile catching his eye. It took a second to settle in, panic seeping in"DAVE!" He choked out, pushing the door open wider and slipping inside.

A pallid Strider sat up against the door, cradling a bloodstained arm with 6 long slices for each letter of the world written in his locker. John sank to his knees, staring at Dave for a moment. The words just would formulate in his head. He had never been one to not talk and always had something to say about the situation. But at the moment, it seemed like he had forgotten how to speak.

"W...why?" He asked, his soft voice catching as he finally spoke. Dave just looked away and John's wyes began to blur with hot tears. Dave was ashamed, more than ashamed, he was drowning in misery at the hopeless blank expression in his friends eyes. He wanted to reach out and grab him by the face, stare into his eyes until there was happiness and feeling to them again. He wanted emotion...just not this. Not through John.

"Dave please..." the dark haired boy whispered, grabbing a tissue and slowly inching towards him, Dave instantly recoiling with an anguished whimper. He hated having such a reflex, such a high walls around his heart. John stopped and stared at the blonde for a moment, scarlet meeting sky blue.

 _He's so vulnerable...this isn't Dave at all._ John shakily reached foreword to brush hair out from the front of his shades and he ever so slightly pressed the tissue against his skin. Dave winced and looked away, John maintaining his stare.

"Was it something I did-"

"N-no!" Dave quickly choked, shaking his head violently, whipping back to look at him, but knocking his shades off in the process.The world seemed to freeze. John had never truly seen Dave's eyes before, he wouldn't let him. The brunette's lips parted a bit, seeing the ruby colored irises staring back at him and the two just sat there for a long time, just staring.

Then, John began to cry.

Tears rushed down his cheeks and he buried his head in his hands. Dave watched in guilt not noticing the trails of salty tears being rolling down his own face as he watched John fall apart in front of him. He examined the way his shoulders shook and his hands trembled as the pressed up against his cheeks, wet with tears. The dark haired boy looked up in Dave's eyes, anguish and pain invading his expression. He paused slightly before lunging toward the blonde before he could react.

"Please Dave.." He said between sobs,"Please don't leave me." Dave held the shaking boy, his world, his only reason to be happy. It all seemed to be going up in flames. The last thing he had ever wanted was to bring him pain and sadness. Then, the young Strider lost it. He began to weep, burying his face into John.

John ran his hand through his hair and rubbed his back as Dave cried softly into his small shoulders. 

"What happened to my Dave..." He said softly, lower lip quavering,"You used to be so strong...who did this to you?"

Dave was choking on his words and his eyes slowly met John's. His lips pursed before any noise left them.

"I did this to myself..."

John fell silent and he struggled to look at Dave's pained face.

"I don't love you any less because of it."

With that, the dark haired boy stood up slowly, helping Dave too and leading him to the kitchen where he took some towels and then guided the fragile Strider to the bedroom. Sitting Dave down on the bed, John pressed the towels against his skin gently.

"I'll be back," he said quietly, giving his hand a squeeze and venturing down the hall to try and find bandages.

He peeked around the bathroom and found them tucked gently in the cabinet and padded back down the hall, walking back in the bedroom facing with a horrific sight.

Dave had another set of scissors, poised at his skin.

"STOP," John screamed, lunging forward and knocking the blades out of his grip, in the process scratching his arm and landing on top of Dave. He sat there for a moment, his arm seering with pain. He just resorted to burying his face into Dave's white and red shirt, starting to sob again.

"Why Dave why? How can I help you, I'm so useless! I can't bear to-"

"You're bleeding!" Dave screeched, clutching John's wounded arm and flipping him to the spot beside him on the bed. His heart was poudning again, and his brain raced.

_No no nononono, I hurt him. I freaking hurt him._

He grabbed the towels and pressed it against his skin. His red eyes met John's crystal blue ones, tears rolling from the creases of his eyes and dripping onto the bedsheets. Dave watched them slowly roll and then plink, leaving a tiny dark mark on the red sheets. 

"If you ever do that again, imagine it's my skin..." John choked, stumbling over his words again. Dave felt a sting in his eyes and he looked away as his best friend sat up and stared at him.

"Dave...please tell me what's wrong..."

Dave hesitated then looked back at John.

"I'm wrong. For feeling the things that I feel and looking the way I do..."

John quickly shook his head, his eyes flickering with love.

"Not true. Dave, you're one of the handsomest guys I know," he said and Dave felt the hint of a prickle in his cheeks,"And what do you mean by feelings?"

He froze, staring into his blue eyes and his mouth hung open.

"I-I ahh..." He said, not knowing what to do.

John began to wrap up his arm and looked up.

"John...I'm...."

The raven haired boy's eyes focused on Dave's curiously. Dave was stuck, he couldn't do this. This would ruin it all, he can't...

"I'm in love...with...you..." He said then stood up quickly, grabbing his shades and heading for the door.  _Why the hell....I just....damn it all._

"I'm sorry..I'm so fucked up," he cried, tears spilled out of his eyes and down his cheeks,"I just want to be normal..."

John scurried to his feet and with surprising power he pushed Dave against the wall before he could leave, palms to his chest.

"You're not normal, but being normal isn't cool Dave. We're all not normal, trust me. But it's a good thing," he murmured, staring at the blonde's chest,"and you never gave me the chance to respond to your confession."

Dave tensed, squeezing his eyes shut in fear.

Lips. John's lips. They were touching his gently and he could feel those piano fingers lace through his hair and pull off his glasses. Dave's eyes snapped open wide but as if it were some sort of drug or something, the kiss lulled them closed and Dave kissed back, wrapping his arms around the boy he loved so much. Their tears slid down and mixed together as their lips pulled apart and John opened his eyes, looking into Dave's red eyes.

"You don't need to wear those shades when you're around me," he whispered, burying himself into Dave,"I love every part of you. I always have and always will and if you let me I'll try to bring light into the darkest corners, and I'll try, even though I'm awkward and dumb and uncool, I'll try to fix you Dave...I don't want to lose the one thing that wakes me up int he morning."

 Dave kissed his temple softly and whispered a thank you, burying his face in the crook of his neck

He could breathe again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Little something I typed out when I was having one of my insomnia fits. If any of you are struggling with depression, YOU deserve to be happy and you deserve help, love, and support. You can always message me on tumblr, my username is keiko-kuma. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it guys :)
> 
> (And did you get the little pun at the end huhuhuh)


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